the bad habit is getting bad

I read an article from pickthebrain.com
it really is an eye opener. I just realised Im self-fulfilling prophecy. its about fear got into most of your tots. I always imagine something bad would happen if I dont do this or I have to repeat what I did again "perfectly". which actually doesnt contribute to the tots or even close of making it better. As I write this, I mispelled the word made. I have to delete and re-write again from the word that is "good" (better). from this, I will believe that my family and I will be protected and I will not face any difficulties. it is hard. most of the time tots about my family. I sometimes neglect things about me but its hard if the tots are about my family. I cant explain. it is a must and compulsory. Ive been having this for years. since I was 14 if I could remember. it was the worst time. my parents went to haji and my fear of anything happen to them really got me. I once even climbed the stairs up and down for nearly 20 times. 3 4 times a day. even if I accidently woke up and when the tot pops out I have to dragged myself to do while Im extremely sleepy. I remembered doing it while Im crying. I never actually said this to anyone. because the fear were too great. I would pray for numerous times before to sleep. and if the tot pops out again. I have to pray again and again. even now, I close the lights twice. shower twice. but I really cover it up so people would not notice. except for akmal who notices after I told him. being late doesnt tolerate me to stop or extend the behaviour. I will always have to obey the habits although someone already waiting for me outside.

what I believed before it turned out differently throughout the time :
4 = very bad number
6 = most baddest number
8 = good
11= bad number
2 = no differences
1 = not good

but soon it developed into doing things perfectly according to the number that is believed it is good.

I remembered when I was form 2. I watched this kindda "twillight zone" series. I couldnt remember whats the title. the series started with a guy meeting a physiatric. he touches his ears numerous times. he sits and gets up for number of times. the physiatric asks him why. he said if he doesnt do it the world will go wrong. and most surprisingly. the number is similar to mine. 6 is bad 8 is good. I seriously telling you that Im not kidding. then me and my family off to pd for vacation. I somehow successfully abandoned my behaviour. and I see nothing happened. I was so happy. I rebelled number of habits which in my head it could conclude to a massive destruction. so called la. when I got back 2 days after that. I remembered my dad opens the tv. and it was sept 11. heheh. I know it may sound funny and of course it doesnt relate to my habit but imagine the insecure liltle me facing that. and of course Im back in doing the bad habits.


I took this from an article :

When we combine analytical thinking with instinct, the dangerous result can be unrealistic, unhelpful fears, and negative imaginations. In fear we expect the worst; imagine something bad that happened before, or imagine our survival threatened while perfectly safe. By focusing on fear we create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Untreated fear can cause procrastination, indecision, blaming, immobilization, insecurity, and excuses, which all slow the realization of our dreams. Faith neu- tralizes fear. Instantly. When we act in fear, our nightmares come true. When we act in faith, we see our dreams come to life.


I need to change and I need to start it now.

it got into my exams as well. I cant read properly as I have to scan my eyes to the whole article first (which then makes eyes blurry) then read it back as usual. so I believe that I read the article twice. for IPM paper. I got confused by the question although I know how to do it. and I misinterpret the question and I left it. I realised I can actually do the question.