I just broke up last year. was pretty bad for me. and my OCD is also taking its toll. I kept doing research on OCD. to understand what Im going through. it hit me in every line. Im offcially OCD sufferer. I cried while reading. some say its genetic. or something to do with sebrum neck bone injury. I dunno. either one I had the hit.
found this in an article.
OCD affects more than 2% of the population. OCD sufferers often attempt to hide their disorder rather than seek help. Often they are successful in concealing their obsessive-compulsive symptoms from friends and coworkers. An unfortunate consequence of this secrecy is that too often people with OCD usually do not receive professional help until years after the onset of their disease. By that time, they may have learned to work their lives--and family members' lives--around the rituals.
Although OCD symptoms typically begin during the teenage years or early adulthood, recent research shows that some develop the disorder earlier in childhood, even during the preschool years. Suffering from OCD during early stages of the child's development can cause severe, long-lasting problems for the child. It is important they receive treatment from a therapist especially skilled at treating children with the disorder as soon as possible.
it is true. I hid it well from others. no one really noticed until I tell. its emberassing why should I open up. its ridiculous why should anyone make sense out of it. even I know it doesnt make any sense and contribution on anything that Im anxious about.
for over years. I never have taken this as serious matter. I did few research and claimed myself a "self-fulfilling prophecy". which turned out to be untrue.
I have OCD since I was small. watching my mom repeatively locking doors and make several checkings before going out. didnt know I will subconciously pick up the traits.
it is true. it will become worse if Im anxious. they associate OCD with asthma and heart problem. I do have asthma and I really dont know how they could relate to OCD. scientifically I guess.
OCD is more complex than that. Im just scared it goes on and effecting me even worse. it has already cost my daily and Im really irritated by it.
but now that I have someone to talk to and to forget about my misery. it doesnt reduce the OCD beliefs but im happy. he makes me happy.
he's funny and we can do everything together.
his name is adam. when I found him. he is shattered and hearth-broken.
but I cant gurantee him anything. all I can say is we fit each other's emptiness. we need one another.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Melb
Its now week 7. course will be finished in week 12. hihi. Im sure to get back in mid july. Im gonna miss melb so much. oh mid semester coming soon. hmm. tot of a roadtrip in sydney. but adam's family prolly coming so I dont want la kacau people. maybe after sem break would be nice. james invited me to go to tasmania. car racing and all. hmm I dont think I'd enjoy tasmania. fahad's having a party at his beach house. if the date doesnt clash I might go. alaaa would be nice if zuhri and adam are available in sydney. kwn melayu jugak yg best. hehehe. well, I think now I just go ahead with james maybe.
must go :
sydney
goldcoast
places I planned to visit (after melb) :
jakarta (with james & albert)
armsterdam (with cousins)
spain (maybe)
koh pah ngan (with the girls)
must go :
sydney
goldcoast
places I planned to visit (after melb) :
jakarta (with james & albert)
armsterdam (with cousins)
spain (maybe)
koh pah ngan (with the girls)
Bruno mars - grenade
I love this song so much I would listen to it minimum 5 times a day. without getting the song downloaded in my handphone. Im imagining it would be 100th times/day if its in my hp. oh before I forgot. I need to write this down in case I'd forget it. Martin - hello, katty perry - fireworks and bruno mars - grenade.
Back to grenade. I just love love this song coz it shows that woman can be empowerment over man. I feel like Im the girl. so whenever I feel down because of love. this will allow to rethink how I could have been. Im beautiful and smart why do I kept thinking that my life sucks? currently my life is content. although I have no one but I feel that this is alright and Im just stepping into a different Aisyah. A more mature kindda lifestyle. its a different feelings. not saying I have changed. I just forgot how it feels like being dependable. I did everything myself. I no longer feel boyfriend is a need.
Oh yesterday steve (my CLD lecturer) fucked me and james so bad! hahahha
oh james is my best friend here. indonesian murtad. coz he was bret here. just born in indonesia before his australian parents adopted him here.
So steve saw me and him walking to satay shop to meet our other friend waiting. so he was like "owh I saw u both at flinders street. its funny that u guys are sitting here right now" we were like ???. then he continued "u guys are not together are u?" and we were like NO, james said wtf steve?. hahahha AND he said oh thank god. hahahha whats that supposed to mean! hahhaa. poor james. steve said to me "I'll protect u" I was speechless. thats bad steve. prolly to be frank, james is fat and ... ok wtv. hahhaa. its so emberassing coz it was in lecture. like in the whole class. hahhaha. I like hanging out with him coz he's cool. he's not trying to hit on me. thats why Im comfortable and we both can be ourselves. same like fahad. a gay guy. All these people, there are cool and thats why Im still single and loving it.
but this steve! he made me wonder. he mentioned us 3 times on lecture and 3 times in tutorial. he's trying to get something. but couldnt get any answer I guess. hahahah. what do u want to know steve??? u were at striper the other day do u? LOL.
Melb will be such an experience. partly I just want to stay here. I kindda hate Malaysia exclude family and close friends. I just dont want to live in Malaysia nemore. I have nothing there. again exclude family and close friends. eventhough I have friends. I feel empty neway. ehhehe. Im just gonna enjoy melb while it lasts
Back to grenade. I just love love this song coz it shows that woman can be empowerment over man. I feel like Im the girl. so whenever I feel down because of love. this will allow to rethink how I could have been. Im beautiful and smart why do I kept thinking that my life sucks? currently my life is content. although I have no one but I feel that this is alright and Im just stepping into a different Aisyah. A more mature kindda lifestyle. its a different feelings. not saying I have changed. I just forgot how it feels like being dependable. I did everything myself. I no longer feel boyfriend is a need.
Oh yesterday steve (my CLD lecturer) fucked me and james so bad! hahahha
oh james is my best friend here. indonesian murtad. coz he was bret here. just born in indonesia before his australian parents adopted him here.
So steve saw me and him walking to satay shop to meet our other friend waiting. so he was like "owh I saw u both at flinders street. its funny that u guys are sitting here right now" we were like ???. then he continued "u guys are not together are u?" and we were like NO, james said wtf steve?. hahahha AND he said oh thank god. hahahha whats that supposed to mean! hahhaa. poor james. steve said to me "I'll protect u" I was speechless. thats bad steve. prolly to be frank, james is fat and ... ok wtv. hahhaa. its so emberassing coz it was in lecture. like in the whole class. hahhaha. I like hanging out with him coz he's cool. he's not trying to hit on me. thats why Im comfortable and we both can be ourselves. same like fahad. a gay guy. All these people, there are cool and thats why Im still single and loving it.
but this steve! he made me wonder. he mentioned us 3 times on lecture and 3 times in tutorial. he's trying to get something. but couldnt get any answer I guess. hahahah. what do u want to know steve??? u were at striper the other day do u? LOL.
Melb will be such an experience. partly I just want to stay here. I kindda hate Malaysia exclude family and close friends. I just dont want to live in Malaysia nemore. I have nothing there. again exclude family and close friends. eventhough I have friends. I feel empty neway. ehhehe. Im just gonna enjoy melb while it lasts
Saturday, January 1, 2011
it was never fun to bump into ur ex. especially not liking what u see
I think this would be the 3rd or 4th time I accidently bumped into him. changkat & sultan. when I first saw his car entering the carpark. my heart dropped and I know this can not be good. like really, new year. pls give me a break. but I didnt want to spoil my night. while I was queing, and then suddenly someone tapped me from behind. ahhh great! its him. I pretend to look surprised. he's with his bodyguard that Im familiar with. so off we go entering sultan.
Im with my cousins. I did a mistake by constantly peeking on him. he's bodyguard tried to calm me down. I pushed him away. he's a bit pissed off. I tend to be aggresive when Im drunk. I did that once to him but prolly because Im still *'s gf the bodyguard didnt dare to fight nor give me I-wish-I-could-slap u kindda look.
I saw * swamped with 3 girls talking and hugging him. he then noticed me and I walked away. I hid myself away from him. I saw him waited at my table and when he's gone I came to the table back. I couldnt help myself for the things I did. I just love him still. and I know I shouldnt.
I was so sad when I bumped into him the toilet I screamed and scolded him like mad. I can be very revengeful person so hugged a guy (my cousin's friend) and accompanied me to the table. * looked pissed off. so he left. after awhile he left sultan without notifying me. my sis said he did came to the table and saw me hugging a guy.
I couldnt help myself for the things I did. I just love him still. and I know I shouldnt.
Im with my cousins. I did a mistake by constantly peeking on him. he's bodyguard tried to calm me down. I pushed him away. he's a bit pissed off. I tend to be aggresive when Im drunk. I did that once to him but prolly because Im still *'s gf the bodyguard didnt dare to fight nor give me I-wish-I-could-slap u kindda look.
I saw * swamped with 3 girls talking and hugging him. he then noticed me and I walked away. I hid myself away from him. I saw him waited at my table and when he's gone I came to the table back. I couldnt help myself for the things I did. I just love him still. and I know I shouldnt.
I was so sad when I bumped into him the toilet I screamed and scolded him like mad. I can be very revengeful person so hugged a guy (my cousin's friend) and accompanied me to the table. * looked pissed off. so he left. after awhile he left sultan without notifying me. my sis said he did came to the table and saw me hugging a guy.
I couldnt help myself for the things I did. I just love him still. and I know I shouldnt.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
the bad habit is getting bad
I read an article from pickthebrain.com
it really is an eye opener. I just realised Im self-fulfilling prophecy. its about fear got into most of your tots. I always imagine something bad would happen if I dont do this or I have to repeat what I did again "perfectly". which actually doesnt contribute to the tots or even close of making it better. As I write this, I mispelled the word made. I have to delete and re-write again from the word that is "good" (better). from this, I will believe that my family and I will be protected and I will not face any difficulties. it is hard. most of the time tots about my family. I sometimes neglect things about me but its hard if the tots are about my family. I cant explain. it is a must and compulsory. Ive been having this for years. since I was 14 if I could remember. it was the worst time. my parents went to haji and my fear of anything happen to them really got me. I once even climbed the stairs up and down for nearly 20 times. 3 4 times a day. even if I accidently woke up and when the tot pops out I have to dragged myself to do while Im extremely sleepy. I remembered doing it while Im crying. I never actually said this to anyone. because the fear were too great. I would pray for numerous times before to sleep. and if the tot pops out again. I have to pray again and again. even now, I close the lights twice. shower twice. but I really cover it up so people would not notice. except for akmal who notices after I told him. being late doesnt tolerate me to stop or extend the behaviour. I will always have to obey the habits although someone already waiting for me outside.
what I believed before it turned out differently throughout the time :
4 = very bad number
6 = most baddest number
8 = good
11= bad number
2 = no differences
1 = not good
but soon it developed into doing things perfectly according to the number that is believed it is good.
I remembered when I was form 2. I watched this kindda "twillight zone" series. I couldnt remember whats the title. the series started with a guy meeting a physiatric. he touches his ears numerous times. he sits and gets up for number of times. the physiatric asks him why. he said if he doesnt do it the world will go wrong. and most surprisingly. the number is similar to mine. 6 is bad 8 is good. I seriously telling you that Im not kidding. then me and my family off to pd for vacation. I somehow successfully abandoned my behaviour. and I see nothing happened. I was so happy. I rebelled number of habits which in my head it could conclude to a massive destruction. so called la. when I got back 2 days after that. I remembered my dad opens the tv. and it was sept 11. heheh. I know it may sound funny and of course it doesnt relate to my habit but imagine the insecure liltle me facing that. and of course Im back in doing the bad habits.
I took this from an article :
When we combine analytical thinking with instinct, the dangerous result can be unrealistic, unhelpful fears, and negative imaginations. In fear we expect the worst; imagine something bad that happened before, or imagine our survival threatened while perfectly safe. By focusing on fear we create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Untreated fear can cause procrastination, indecision, blaming, immobilization, insecurity, and excuses, which all slow the realization of our dreams. Faith neu- tralizes fear. Instantly. When we act in fear, our nightmares come true. When we act in faith, we see our dreams come to life.
I need to change and I need to start it now.
it got into my exams as well. I cant read properly as I have to scan my eyes to the whole article first (which then makes eyes blurry) then read it back as usual. so I believe that I read the article twice. for IPM paper. I got confused by the question although I know how to do it. and I misinterpret the question and I left it. I realised I can actually do the question.
it really is an eye opener. I just realised Im self-fulfilling prophecy. its about fear got into most of your tots. I always imagine something bad would happen if I dont do this or I have to repeat what I did again "perfectly". which actually doesnt contribute to the tots or even close of making it better. As I write this, I mispelled the word made. I have to delete and re-write again from the word that is "good" (better). from this, I will believe that my family and I will be protected and I will not face any difficulties. it is hard. most of the time tots about my family. I sometimes neglect things about me but its hard if the tots are about my family. I cant explain. it is a must and compulsory. Ive been having this for years. since I was 14 if I could remember. it was the worst time. my parents went to haji and my fear of anything happen to them really got me. I once even climbed the stairs up and down for nearly 20 times. 3 4 times a day. even if I accidently woke up and when the tot pops out I have to dragged myself to do while Im extremely sleepy. I remembered doing it while Im crying. I never actually said this to anyone. because the fear were too great. I would pray for numerous times before to sleep. and if the tot pops out again. I have to pray again and again. even now, I close the lights twice. shower twice. but I really cover it up so people would not notice. except for akmal who notices after I told him. being late doesnt tolerate me to stop or extend the behaviour. I will always have to obey the habits although someone already waiting for me outside.
what I believed before it turned out differently throughout the time :
4 = very bad number
6 = most baddest number
8 = good
11= bad number
2 = no differences
1 = not good
but soon it developed into doing things perfectly according to the number that is believed it is good.
I remembered when I was form 2. I watched this kindda "twillight zone" series. I couldnt remember whats the title. the series started with a guy meeting a physiatric. he touches his ears numerous times. he sits and gets up for number of times. the physiatric asks him why. he said if he doesnt do it the world will go wrong. and most surprisingly. the number is similar to mine. 6 is bad 8 is good. I seriously telling you that Im not kidding. then me and my family off to pd for vacation. I somehow successfully abandoned my behaviour. and I see nothing happened. I was so happy. I rebelled number of habits which in my head it could conclude to a massive destruction. so called la. when I got back 2 days after that. I remembered my dad opens the tv. and it was sept 11. heheh. I know it may sound funny and of course it doesnt relate to my habit but imagine the insecure liltle me facing that. and of course Im back in doing the bad habits.
I took this from an article :
When we combine analytical thinking with instinct, the dangerous result can be unrealistic, unhelpful fears, and negative imaginations. In fear we expect the worst; imagine something bad that happened before, or imagine our survival threatened while perfectly safe. By focusing on fear we create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Untreated fear can cause procrastination, indecision, blaming, immobilization, insecurity, and excuses, which all slow the realization of our dreams. Faith neu- tralizes fear. Instantly. When we act in fear, our nightmares come true. When we act in faith, we see our dreams come to life.
I need to change and I need to start it now.
it got into my exams as well. I cant read properly as I have to scan my eyes to the whole article first (which then makes eyes blurry) then read it back as usual. so I believe that I read the article twice. for IPM paper. I got confused by the question although I know how to do it. and I misinterpret the question and I left it. I realised I can actually do the question.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Am I doing the right thing?
I just got back like 2 hours ago. was at RSPC watching my bf played tournament. was on the phone when I got back and here I am. yes yes, I got back in the relationship. heheh. I knew the break up was real. I really tot I wouldnt get back in the relationship. explained why I refused to offer myself to go to RSPC instead just wished him luck by texting. I knew by meeting him would make me weak. when I decided to get back into the relationship, I must admit, I went confused. am I making a right decision? he's gonna be hurt, Im gonna be hurt. the way I see him just now, I know he has the same feeling. he's still angry of what happened but he still loves me. on my side, I just dont want him to hurt and I choosed to stay away. but why am I sacrificing myself on decisions that would still hurt him either way?
See, what happened was, I told my sister that he's ugly since my sister kept bugging me to tell more about him. not knowing the unexpected consequences, she then called her friends asking who the guy could be. then it got to my bf's ears. to tell the truth I dont mind the looks at all. what makes me said it because considering my sister can be very judgemental and easily critize people.
I know Im at fault, and I dont want him to be hurt no more. I choosed to let him go. anyway, clearly I failed to maintain my ambition. because I love him as much as he loves me. ahhh! I love this guy too much. so comel I feel like cubit him right now. (he's sleeping, I wish I can kacau him).
we went to kaeroke just now. he found his new hobby. hihi. the first time I heard he sings was in the car and Im like omg baby please stop! he cant sing. but in the kaeroke I was surprised he can actually sing! and then as usual I became jealous because I used to have angel's voice. haha what a word. but our night didnt end nicely we fought because he main2 sumpah. and he purposely made me mad because he was reminded about the past.
things ok now. and oh ya, I didnt go to class! I went to the classroom but class was cancelled. 100 words about my relationship and 5 words about my class ended my writings for today. goodnight. I dont know who I wished goodnight to since no one can read my blog neways. haha.
See, what happened was, I told my sister that he's ugly since my sister kept bugging me to tell more about him. not knowing the unexpected consequences, she then called her friends asking who the guy could be. then it got to my bf's ears. to tell the truth I dont mind the looks at all. what makes me said it because considering my sister can be very judgemental and easily critize people.
I know Im at fault, and I dont want him to be hurt no more. I choosed to let him go. anyway, clearly I failed to maintain my ambition. because I love him as much as he loves me. ahhh! I love this guy too much. so comel I feel like cubit him right now. (he's sleeping, I wish I can kacau him).
we went to kaeroke just now. he found his new hobby. hihi. the first time I heard he sings was in the car and Im like omg baby please stop! he cant sing. but in the kaeroke I was surprised he can actually sing! and then as usual I became jealous because I used to have angel's voice. haha what a word. but our night didnt end nicely we fought because he main2 sumpah. and he purposely made me mad because he was reminded about the past.
things ok now. and oh ya, I didnt go to class! I went to the classroom but class was cancelled. 100 words about my relationship and 5 words about my class ended my writings for today. goodnight. I dont know who I wished goodnight to since no one can read my blog neways. haha.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
hari raya
feel like celebrating hari raya. cepat la rayaaa. my new ambitions start not on new years but hari raya. it has been that way for quite years.
fasting month where I'd be more calm and wishful where spiritual intelligence starts to make sense. when raya comes I feel grateful, relief and the new me starts to emerge. ahh its the feeling that could not be explained. I just love it.
fasting month where I'd be more calm and wishful where spiritual intelligence starts to make sense. when raya comes I feel grateful, relief and the new me starts to emerge. ahh its the feeling that could not be explained. I just love it.
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