the bad habit is getting bad

I read an article from pickthebrain.com
it really is an eye opener. I just realised Im self-fulfilling prophecy. its about fear got into most of your tots. I always imagine something bad would happen if I dont do this or I have to repeat what I did again "perfectly". which actually doesnt contribute to the tots or even close of making it better. As I write this, I mispelled the word made. I have to delete and re-write again from the word that is "good" (better). from this, I will believe that my family and I will be protected and I will not face any difficulties. it is hard. most of the time tots about my family. I sometimes neglect things about me but its hard if the tots are about my family. I cant explain. it is a must and compulsory. Ive been having this for years. since I was 14 if I could remember. it was the worst time. my parents went to haji and my fear of anything happen to them really got me. I once even climbed the stairs up and down for nearly 20 times. 3 4 times a day. even if I accidently woke up and when the tot pops out I have to dragged myself to do while Im extremely sleepy. I remembered doing it while Im crying. I never actually said this to anyone. because the fear were too great. I would pray for numerous times before to sleep. and if the tot pops out again. I have to pray again and again. even now, I close the lights twice. shower twice. but I really cover it up so people would not notice. except for akmal who notices after I told him. being late doesnt tolerate me to stop or extend the behaviour. I will always have to obey the habits although someone already waiting for me outside.

what I believed before it turned out differently throughout the time :
4 = very bad number
6 = most baddest number
8 = good
11= bad number
2 = no differences
1 = not good

but soon it developed into doing things perfectly according to the number that is believed it is good.

I remembered when I was form 2. I watched this kindda "twillight zone" series. I couldnt remember whats the title. the series started with a guy meeting a physiatric. he touches his ears numerous times. he sits and gets up for number of times. the physiatric asks him why. he said if he doesnt do it the world will go wrong. and most surprisingly. the number is similar to mine. 6 is bad 8 is good. I seriously telling you that Im not kidding. then me and my family off to pd for vacation. I somehow successfully abandoned my behaviour. and I see nothing happened. I was so happy. I rebelled number of habits which in my head it could conclude to a massive destruction. so called la. when I got back 2 days after that. I remembered my dad opens the tv. and it was sept 11. heheh. I know it may sound funny and of course it doesnt relate to my habit but imagine the insecure liltle me facing that. and of course Im back in doing the bad habits.


I took this from an article :

When we combine analytical thinking with instinct, the dangerous result can be unrealistic, unhelpful fears, and negative imaginations. In fear we expect the worst; imagine something bad that happened before, or imagine our survival threatened while perfectly safe. By focusing on fear we create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Untreated fear can cause procrastination, indecision, blaming, immobilization, insecurity, and excuses, which all slow the realization of our dreams. Faith neu- tralizes fear. Instantly. When we act in fear, our nightmares come true. When we act in faith, we see our dreams come to life.


I need to change and I need to start it now.

it got into my exams as well. I cant read properly as I have to scan my eyes to the whole article first (which then makes eyes blurry) then read it back as usual. so I believe that I read the article twice. for IPM paper. I got confused by the question although I know how to do it. and I misinterpret the question and I left it. I realised I can actually do the question.

Am I doing the right thing?

I just got back like 2 hours ago. was at RSPC watching my bf played tournament. was on the phone when I got back and here I am. yes yes, I got back in the relationship. heheh. I knew the break up was real. I really tot I wouldnt get back in the relationship. explained why I refused to offer myself to go to RSPC instead just wished him luck by texting. I knew by meeting him would make me weak. when I decided to get back into the relationship, I must admit, I went confused. am I making a right decision? he's gonna be hurt, Im gonna be hurt. the way I see him just now, I know he has the same feeling. he's still angry of what happened but he still loves me. on my side, I just dont want him to hurt and I choosed to stay away. but why am I sacrificing myself on decisions that would still hurt him either way?

See, what happened was, I told my sister that he's ugly since my sister kept bugging me to tell more about him. not knowing the unexpected consequences, she then called her friends asking who the guy could be. then it got to my bf's ears. to tell the truth I dont mind the looks at all. what makes me said it because considering my sister can be very judgemental and easily critize people.

I know Im at fault, and I dont want him to be hurt no more. I choosed to let him go. anyway, clearly I failed to maintain my ambition. because I love him as much as he loves me. ahhh! I love this guy too much. so comel I feel like cubit him right now. (he's sleeping, I wish I can kacau him).

we went to kaeroke just now. he found his new hobby. hihi. the first time I heard he sings was in the car and Im like omg baby please stop! he cant sing. but in the kaeroke I was surprised he can actually sing! and then as usual I became jealous because I used to have angel's voice. haha what a word. but our night didnt end nicely we fought because he main2 sumpah. and he purposely made me mad because he was reminded about the past.

things ok now. and oh ya, I didnt go to class! I went to the classroom but class was cancelled. 100 words about my relationship and 5 words about my class ended my writings for today. goodnight. I dont know who I wished goodnight to since no one can read my blog neways. haha.

hari raya

feel like celebrating hari raya. cepat la rayaaa. my new ambitions start not on new years but hari raya. it has been that way for quite years.
fasting month where I'd be more calm and wishful where spiritual intelligence starts to make sense. when raya comes I feel grateful, relief and the new me starts to emerge. ahh its the feeling that could not be explained. I just love it.

jangan benci cinta

I dont know whats the time due to my laptop has not been switched on for nearly a month. Im too lazy to plug the wires and stuff. but I know its quite late n should be sleeping by now. Im in a relationship crisis. something that either I'll be self-fish and still want him because I really love him means keep hurting him or let him go. he's hurt. I should let him go. I know its not easy because I love him too much already. he's the nicest guy Ive been with. a bit ego but I like him :(
when we do sex, I just feel different. I can feel the love he let flows in me. but everything is just too much for both of us to handle. we put our relationship to the end last night. I didnt cry this time. I dont know why. maybe I keep telling myself be a grown up. take it like grown ups. this has to go means it got to go. or both gonna be more hurt. we both are so rebellious. sometimes when it feels so good we ignored the consequences. we're not rational thinkers. we both are too the same. does it bring good? yes in our own world but not in reality. should we care for reality? what people think about us rather than what we think about ourselves? I love effi. now Im crying

the more you know, you know there's more to know

Im in the process of learning to become a wise person. currently my head is in comfort and incubating zone. finished my final and lazing around reading motivational books. I lost my tony buzan's verbal intelligence but Im gonna buy the exact one again. I miss getting brain's workout. I miss exchanging ideas and expressing opinions. I need to straightened up my english too. I believe it has something to do with my confidence level. Tony buzan said, brains are truth-seeking mechanism. so true! like a baby. their favourite word is always been why? I need to know my purpose in life. what do I really want? marketing field where I exhale my creativity or financing job where I play with numbers. of course marketing is much more gusto and suits my brain! I always cheerish creativity since I was small. I love to be unique and doing rare things. but what am I kidding, all girls want to be rare. its our nature. BH. why do people look down on marketer rather than finance people? they made equal income. doesnt that what its all about? money and surviving? I guess higher education is conferred to get higher respect. the top of the pops deserve best comments despite acknowledging the kind of educations. but somehow you got to know whats not in the book. because books are created from whats happening on the outside. experiences and mistakes are wonderful. learning is boring. smart people learnt from their mistake. wise people learn from people's mistakes. wise people must has taken it with a feeling of boredom. just watch and nod. would you remember when the time comes? do you know whether it fits you? probaly thats why they are wise. we are human after all, even the wise cannot see all ends. people bound to make mistake. I believed in what I want so much, I neglected thinking of the consequences. sometimes its good to binge. I always wonder, does experience accelerate learning? I once agreed, but a case of 25 years old guy won highstake poker with a bunch of old folks of 30 years experiences in the game. I guess the young guns are smarter than the old folks. they are so caught up with traditional thinking. we on the other hand are provided with all advantages and the programmed ability to say no and why not? I guess thats it. Im going out with my girls. tataloo!

standing still

what have I done. I ruined a relationship of 2 innocent and madly in love people. I just feel like Im very mean and cold-hearted person. How did I get involved in this things. Im not this kind of person. never was.

I dont know what to do now. so is my bf. I think he's stuck with me as well. we accidently fall in love. which we shouldnt at the first place. we get ourselved into a course which never played by us before. and we got dragged by it. the result is he broke up with his gf for me. he did ask me "If I break up with her, I need to know do you really love me". and my sell-fishness got the best of me and I said YES! without thinking the consequences on her side. at first I never tot it would be that bad. but ever since my love to my bf is getting deeper, I learnt to become less a beast and more on "human being". I hate to see him sad. he made me realised how it really impact on his ex. she doesnt deserved this.

I guess this is the price I pay. its restless. and slowly effecting our relationship. to add things worse, I had history with his friend. which really a big burden for him to face. now when we're quite doesnt mean we're not talking. and all I see in his eyes are just sadness that couldnt be described by words. he knows its not fair for me. thats why he stayed. I dont know whether he is still loves me

a new start

wow. its been a while since my last post. been busy doing activities with my bf. it keeps my mind out of weed tho. now Im back on track with my studies. really have to keep the consistence. I like the new me. maybe I could be better if I had not burn with weed but Im more matured now. things tried and done. it was a painful path but went through it, experienced it and gone out of it. I walk with a liltle smile without carrying the past baggage to present, just the memory.
I hate when I failed 2 subjects last semester. but Im glad it happened. it was a wake up call before I'd go to extreme stages of deep rabbit hole.
well. thats about it.

p/s : my bf eagerly wants to know about my blog. hihi. he keeps on searching about it. so cute